Secret Agent Steve Pilot: Double O Steven!
by ShadowDialga
Summary: My own fanfic of the characters from the "Funny Mario Scenes" Youtube series! Kudos to Edgar for showing me it! Everyone is pretty much an OC but Steve. Written entirely by me, though some insipration from Edgar and Alex! Please review!


**Double-O-****Steven:**

**A movie of spying, action, betrayal, and Piranha Plants! **Written, edited, had its gaping plot holes ignored, and printed in convenient script format by **Alex Sorkin**!

Starring…

Steve! The secret agent man! (Piranha Plant)

Jeft! The gadget guy! (Koopa)

Maggie! The betraying love interest! (Not the Simpsons baby, the pink piranha plant.)

And Goombog! The gentlemanly evildoer Goomba!

Also featuring Gunner! The sidekick Dry Bones!

And more characters we can't talk about without spoilers!

**Chapter I:**** The Promotion**

[It's 7:00 am. Steve's alarm clock rings. He wakes up.]

Steve: [Yawns.] That was a relaxing sleep!

[Takes off blanket and zips down to kitchen in his Stevemobile.]

Steve: I'll think I'll have some scrambled eggs!

[Opens fridge with mouth and takes out a Yoshi egg. Smacks it against a frying pan until it cracks, then fries it.]

Steve: Every time I eat one of these, a PETY (Piranhas for the Ethical Treatment of Yoshis.) member jumps off the Mushroom Bridge! Oh, look at the time! I need to go to work!

[Zips through traffic, with the help of the Stevemobile's agility and a few (dozen) blue shells.]

[Busts through office doors.]

Steve: Heeeeeeeere's Stevey!

Receptionist: You forgot to wipe your wheels again, Steve.

Steve: Oh, I'm sorry, miss!

[Zooms back to carpet and spins a few times.]

Steve: Sorry about that!

Receptionist: It's alright, Steve, no one can hate you.

Steve: Awwww, that shows a sign of sensitivity!

[Zooms into elevator.]

Steve: What floor is the Secret Agency again? Oh, right, I forgot! It's a secret!

[Presses the elevator buttons in a secret order, and he zooms up to a secret floor.]

Steve: Hi guys!

Everyone: Hi, Steve.

Steve: Can someone please punch in for me?

[A Koopa punches In.]

In: OW! I knew I would regret changing my name!

Steve: I meant, can someone put in my timecard?

Gunner: You must be this "Steve" everyone talks about. I'll do it for ya. [Punches timecard into machine.] You know, it's surprising that the best agent has no hands and a motorized pipe for feet.

Steve: Are you new?

Gunner: First day on the job. I got an internship from Bovine University.

Steve: Cool! You'll like working here!

[Zips over to Jeft's (The boss's) office.]

Steve: Hey, Jeft! What's my mission today? Infiltrate the secret copy room HQ? Hack into my computer with my password and decode some secret documents about our payrolls? Or maybe go undercover in the reception office to get some dirt on visitors' names?

Jeft: I can never tell if you're sarcastic or just naïve.

Steve: The latter, sir!

Jeft: Steve, I realize it must be boring to sit in the office all day doing work for people who get to crack locks and hack computers and wear ninja suits.

Steve: At least my secret agent training comes in handy when I have to break into the break room!

Jeft: So that was you who keeps stealing my organic yogurt? Anyway, I have some exciting news for you!

Steve: I won employee of the month? Again?

Jeft: No, at least, not yet, but I have a mission for you that will guarantee you an award if you can do it.

Steve: Oh boy! A programming mission?

Jeft: No, a field mission!

Steve: Oh boy! Are those like field trips? Like to the corporate HQ where they tell you why the economy gave you a -5% raise?

Jeft: [Sighs.] No, Steve. I mean you get to be a secret agent! And break into places! And have cool theme music!

Steve: A secret agent? OH BOY! My training will finally come in handy for something other than stealing a cup of organic, beet-flavored, goat milk yogurt!

Jeft: Seriously, don't tell anyone about that. And you're getting a sidekick.

Steve: Really? Who?

Jeft: The first person to walk into this office with an inane question.

[Gunner walks in.]

Gunner: I forgot, where do the copies of the important, irreplaceable document you gave me come out after I put them through the big shreddy thingie?

Jeft: [Jumps up and points.] YOU JUST GOT SIDEKICK'D!

[Awkward silence. Crickets chirp.]

Jeft: Come on, you know? Like Ashton Kutcher and the TV… eh, whatever, you suck.

Gunner: Sooo… what just happened?

Steve: You're gonna be my sidekick for my first secret agent mission! Isn't that great, little buddy?

[Zooms over and tries to hug him, but… like… he has no arms, ya know?]

Gunner: Ummm… so… what do we have to do?

Jeft: Remember Goombog?

Steve: That Goomba with a monocle and top hat that tried to market orphan puree as Chain Chomp food? Of course I remember! Didn't his lawyer prove him innocent?

Jeft: His lawyer was 250,000 dollars, Steve.

Steve: I always wondered how a suitcase of coins could talk, never mind convince…

Jeft: Steve, he bribed the judge and went free, but we've got so much circumstantial evidence that he's back in business, if we converted it to awesomeness, it would be... awesome!

Steve: Gasp! SO AWESOME IT MAKES YOU NOT WANNA MAKE AN ANALOGY? We've gotta bring him in for some HARDCORE QUESTIONING! I'll go get the power drill!

Jeft: Hold on, Steve! The thing is that we only have circumstantial evidence. The only solid thing is that he'll be meeting an informant tonight at the Mushroom City museum. Get in there, get some photos, and arrest that sick orphan-puree-er!

Steve: Awesome! Do we get any cool spy gadgets?

Jeft: Yep! Come with me to the secret laboratory room.

Gunner: Where's that?

Jeft: I just told you! It's SECRET!

[Blindfolds them and leads them to the break room.]

**Chapter II: Makin' a Break for It**

Steve: Aren't we in the break room right now?

Jeft: Umm… no?

Steve: Then why do I smell yogurt?

Jeft: [Throws yogurt he was eating in trash.] No reason, let's go.

[Moves vending machine to side and leads them down a secret passage.]

Jeft: Alright, take your blindfolds off.

[Gunner takes his and Steve's off, and they're in a laboratory place.]

Jeft: I've been planning this for a week, so I cobbled together some gadgets for Steve and a sidekick. He was originally gonna go with Hal, but after he left on permanent vacation to Delfino Island, I had a sidekick gap to fill.

Gunner: Don't worry. A Dry Bones' body structure is 97.2% identical to a Koopa's.

Jeft: It's like you exist solely to annoy me. [Walks over to a small, visor-like device.] Steve, here are your night vision goggles. We only had enough random scraps lying around to build one pair, so you get them.

Steve: Oh boy! Now I can get a glass of milk at night without smashing through walls anymore!

Jeft: Gunner, I also have a utility belt for you, since its already rather generous proportions are too big for Steve. It contains a grappling hook, smoke bombs, a blowpipe 2 tranquilizer darts, an earpiece connected to our locator HQ, a camera, a deck of cards, a jigsaw puzzle, and 60 packets of Senor Lingua Cemado hot taco sa-

Gunner: Did you just call me fat?

Jeft: No, since you're a skeleton, I had no choice but to call you big-boned.

Gunner: [Puts on belt.] Why did you put in taco sauce?

Jeft: You never know when it'll come in handy.

Steve: So when do we deploy?

Jeft: The meeting is tonight, and the place is across town. It's 11:00 now, so you probably have another 2 or 3 hours until you should leave.

Gunner: Do we have a GPS navigator?

Jeft: Nope. I spent our entire budget acquiring the taco sauce and jigsaw puzzle, so I couldn't even print out directions. All I have is an address and a general location.

Gunner: Seriously, is this place built to be as inefficient as possible?

Jeft: No, because then we would be efficiently inefficient.

Steve: I used to think we were inefficiently efficient!

Gunner: I'll respond as soon as I figure out what we just said.

[3 hours later, in Jeft's office.]

Jeft: …and that concludes my list of 392 reasons why toilet paper is completely unnecessary. And now, it's time for you to go!

Gunner: But we still haven't-

Jeft: GOODBYE!

[Presses a button and they catapult into the street (secret) stories below.]

Gunner: Ow.

[Gets up and brushes himself off.]

Steve: [Upside down.] Little help here?

[Gunner tips Steve back onto his wheels.]

Gunner: What do you do when you fall over and no one is around to help?

Steve: You know those little buttons seniors use when they've fallen and can't get up?

Gunner: Yeah.

Steve: I play it like a harmonica until someone hears.

Gunner: Oh.

Steve: Anyway, if the place is across town, we should get going! After I went over the speed limit, they put a speed limiter in my Stevemobile!

Gunner: How fast can it go?

Steve: Now only 60 mph, but just you wait until my ticket expires! It's only in 8 years!

Gunner: Really?

Steve: Well, they accidentally typed it sideways, but…

Gunner: Wait, this mobile had only room for one. How am I supposed to get there?

Steve: Hold on, little man!

[Picks him up in his teeth and sets him down.]

Steve: And by that, I didn't mean to wait, I mean you should literally hold on! Now let's GOOOOOOOOOO!

Gunner: Wait, wha-?

[They take off. Gunner flies off and grabs Steve's leaf.]

Gunner: ARE THERE ANY PASSENGER SEATBELTS?

Steve: NO! I USUALLY TRAVEL ALONE OR WITH OTHER PIRANHA PLANTS! IT HAS A COCKPIT, BUT IT ONLY OPENS IN UNDERWATER AND SPACESHIP MODE!

Gunner: MY ARM IS STARTING TO SLIP! SLOW DOWN!

Steve: I CAN'T!

Gunner: WHY NOT?

Steve: THIS THING WAS MADE BY TOYOTA!

Gunner: SERIOUSLY? WELL, TRY HITTING SOMETHING TO SLOW DOWN, THEN!

Steve: YOU MEAN LIKE THAT GLASS DOOR ENTERANCE TO THAT SHOPPING MALL?

Gunner: NO! I DON'T MEAN LIKE THAT GLASS DO-!

[They crash through and go up an escalator.]

Gunner: I'VE GOT A CINNAMON ROLL ON MY FACE!

Steve: HOLD ON, LITTLE BUDDY! I JUST FOUND SOMETHING ELSE WE CAN HIT TO SLOW DOWN!

Gunner: PLEASE DON'T TELL ME IT'S THAT CHINA STORE OVER THERE!

[Steve is silent.]

[They smash through and manage to leave everything standing, then ram through the wall and skid to a halt on the street below.]

Store Owner: That was too close! I was almost a china sandwich!

Clerk: MMM… China sandwich…

Gunner: [Panting.] OK, that was NOT fun.

Steve: Oh boy! That was fun! I wanna do it again!

Gunner: No way! We just wasted a good hour!

Steve: Actually, we more than wasted! We're right back where we started!

Gunner: [Looks around to see they're at the entrance.] Daaaaaaaaaamn.

Steve: Oh! I know! You can use your grappling hook to hold onto the Stevemobile this time!

Gunner: Hey, that might actually work! Faster than having to walk the whole way!

**Chapter III: Now Museum, Now You Don't**

[They get to the museum.]

Steve: It's already 6:00 p.m!

Gunner: We're right on time, the place just closed. Let's get some disguises on and wait.

Jeft: [Through earpiece.] Come in, Steve! Are you there, Steve?

Steve: Loud and clear! We're at the museum now!

Jeft: Good. I had some disguises planted a few days ago; you'll find them at-

[Meanwhile, Gunner, who was juggling a smoke bomb, drops it. It explodes.]

Steve: Agghh! What is that?

[In the confusion, Steve drops the earpiece. It goes down a grate. Well, that's just grate.]

Jeft: Steve? What happened? Steve?

Steve: We're OK, boss, but I dropped the earpiece down a grate! Don't worry, I can still hear you!

Jeft: Good. Now, the glasses and fake moustaches are at the-

[The door creaks open.]

Steve: We gotta go NOW, Jeft! Bye!

[Gunner throws another smoke bomb at the door, and escapes with Steve silently deeper into the museum. The door opens to reveal Goombog on a cell phone.]

Goombog: Cough, cough! Ick! Yeah, I'm fine, they must have not dusted in a while, I just got there. Meet me by the Koopasaurus rex skeleton in 2 hours. Bye.

[Closes phone and walks off past a janitor's closet, where Gunner and Steve are hiding.]

Gunner: [Whispering.] That was too close. We were almost a Steve sa-

Steve: Don't even say it!

Gunner: Sorry.

Steve: If he sees anyone else here, he'll get suspicious! How will we get close enough for photos?

Gunner: I have an idea. Do you see any of that fake garbage can-surrounding wrap?

Steve: The kind they wrap elephant feet in to make wastebaskets? Yeah, there's a roll right behind me!

Gunner: Move outside and hold still.

[5 minutes later, the Stevemobile looks like a garbage can (Complete with lid.) and Gunner is wheeling it.]

Steve: It smells like dead Cheep-Cheeps in here!

Gunner: Quiet! It's already suspicious that I don't have a janitor's uniform on, and have you ever seen a talking garbage can?

Steve: Well, that one time in Guadalajara…

[Gunner bangs on the lid and walks, listening.]

Gunner: Someone's coming.

[An ACTUAL janitor comes around the corner, whistling.]

Gunner: Stay there!

[Sneaks towards the shadows, Steve peeks out and ducks when the janitor approaches the Stevemobile.]

Janitor: Well, lookit' that! A rouge garbij' can, right in the middle o'-

[Gunner blows a dart at the janitor, hides his body in a closet, and takes his uniform.]

Steve: Wow, you did that all in one action narration!

Gunner: [In a low voice.] Alright, the meeting's going down in another hour and a half, let's find a good vantage point.

Steve: There's a balcony overlooking the Koopasaurus skeleton on the second floor!

Gunner: Great. That's where we'll go.

[They pass Goombog.]

Goombog: Who are you?

Steve: Don't worry, sir! My fake janitor friend and I won't photograph and eavesdrop on your orphan puree exchange! I'm just a garbage can!

[Gunner freezes and almost falls apart.]

Goombog: Talking garbage can, eh? Last time I saw one of those, it was in Guadalajara! Carry on, then!

[They run at the elevator. They get up there and wait.]

[One hour and a half later…]

Gunner: Got any threes?

Steve: I can't see!

Gunner: You have an ace, a two, and a king, you should play the king or go fish.

Steve: Thanks! I'll do the first one!

Gunner: I liked it better when Go Fish was a 2-player game.

Steve: I hear someone coming!

Gunner: That's the informant. Stay quiet!

Steve: OK!

[While Gunner gets the camera ready and waits, Steve quietly sneaks down to the elevator.]

Gunner: OK, I'm in position. Give me a boost, Steve. [Silence.] Steve, you can talk now. [Moar silence.] Steve? [Turns around to look.] Aw, dammit! Steve!

[Meanwhile, Steve has snuck downstairs and hidden next to the skeleton.]

Goombog: Funny, I don't remember this being here.

Informant: [Who is in a shadowy cloak, so you can't tell who it is.] Shoot it.

Steve: Please don't shoot, sir!

Goombog: Oh, it's you. I was only being polite, I never saw a talking trash can.

Steve: That wasn't very nice of you!

Informant: Can we exchange the orphan puree already?

[Meanwhile.]

Gunner: I can't go down the elevator, and I can't take photos from up here… GAH! What do I do?

[Pats himself down.]

Gunner: Wait… I don't have my camera with me…

[Looks over railing, and sees Steve peek out of the can, holding a camera in his mouth.]

Gunner: [Quietly.] Steve, you wonderful madman, you've done it again!

Informant: Alright, for this much cash, you owe me 5 cubic feet of kidneys and 3 gallons of- what was that clicking sound? Are we being watched? Are you wearing a wire? Is your WIRE WEARING A WIRE? Hey, did that trash can just move?

[Steve darts back down into the trash can right when Goombog turns around.]

Goombog: I don't see anything. Are you just being paranoid?

Informant: Maybe I'm just hallucinating.

Steve: [Leans out of can and whisper-yells.] Heeeey! Gunner! I got the photos!

Informant: Seriously, I heard something that time! That's not any old Guadalajaran trash can!

[Gunner gives the let's go signal.]

Goombog: Maybe your vision is clouding because of all this dust.

[Elevator dings.]

Goombog: What th-?

[Giant smoke cloud appears.]

[Smoke clears. Steve is no longer there.]

Informant: [Cough! Cough!] We were being watched! Quick! They may still be close to catch and beat into a non-bloody, PG-13-rated pulp!

Steve: Come on, Gunner! Faster! The door's right there!

[They smash into it. Not through it. Into it.]

Gunner: Damn! They must have locked it!

Steve: Quick! To the basement!

[Steve whirs away, and Gunner is running behind him. They go down a staircase into the basement.]

Goombog: There they are! After them!

[They chase them down. The doors slam shut behind them.]

Informant: What-the-bluh-what?

Gunner: [Comes out from behind door.] Fooled you! We hid behind the door!

Steve: [Comes zooming towards them.] Gunner! I got the earpiece from the grate! Let's do some interrogating!

Jeft: I'm hearing ya loud and clear.

[Steve trips down the stairs and falls, crushing the earpiece on landing.]

Steve: Oops!

Gunner: Ok… first off, who are you, mysterious informant?

Informant: I'll never tell! Let me out! I can't breathe!

Gunner: NO! Besides, you've got air holes, because there's no glass here, just… a… grate… the size of MY HAND! Steve, hand me the taco sauce!

Steve: Which one? Mild, Medium, or MADRE, MADRE! MI BOCA ESTA CEMANDO?

Gunner: The last one!

[Steve tosses over the satchel, and Gunner gets a packet and holds it over the informant's eyes.]

Gunner: I'm going to ask you again, little boy: WHO ARE YOU?

Steve: Who, who? Who, who? I really wanna know!

Informant: I'll never tell!

[Backs away. Gunner takes his grappling hook and holds him to the door.]

Gunner: WHO ARE YOU?

Goombog: Hello? Anyone remember I'm still here?

Steve: Oh, sorry!

[Tosses him a jigsaw puzzle.]

Goombog: Much appreciated.

Gunner: THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING! TELL ME!

Informant: Do your worst!

Gunner: [Pulls out pen and paper.] Quick, sign this.

Informant: Uuh… [Scribbles his signature.] What was that for?

Gunner: Just a form you notarized to show that you asked me to do my worst on you.

Informant: Damn politically correct day and a-!

[Gunner squirts the taco sauce packet into the Informant's eyes.]

Informant: AAAAGGGH! OH GOD! OH MY GOD! AGGGHHH! MY EYES ARE SHOOTING JETS OF FIRE!

Gunner: And that's just one drop. Imagine the whole packet… or twenty…

Informant: Trust me, you don't want to know who I am!

Gunner: YES, I DO!

Informant: Alright, but I warned you! And the form said that, too!

Steve: What?

[Pulls down hood. Everyone gasps.]

Hal: Yep.

Steve: But we thought you were on vacation!

Hal: Are you kidding? The only people in the agency who don't know my skin sunburns at the drop of a hat are Steve and that dunderhead Jeft!

Gunner: Yo!

Hal: And you.

Gunner: [Tips imaginary hat.] Much obliged.

Steve: Why'd ya do it, Hal?

Hal: I was offered an even bigger bribe by Goombog to prove him innocent behind the scenes, and when Jeft suggested we spy on him, I bailed with that vacation excuse.

Steve: But the "Hal and Jeft Secret Intelligence Agency" won't sound the same as the "and Jeft Secret Intelligence Agency"!

Hal: Sorry, but money is money. And what are you gonna do now? If you leave to tell Jeft, we'll bust outta here eventually.

Gunner: He's got a point.

Steve: And we've got tranquilizer darts!

Gunner: But we have only a few left, and I was saving them for an emergency!

Steve: What could possibly be more of an emergency than this?

Gunner: Running into my ex.

Voice: Hello there, boys. What are you doing here at this time?

[They turn and see a really beautiful pink Piranha Plant.]

Pink-rahna Plant: Hello there, boys.

Steve: Wow! You're really pretty!

[Gunner's jaw falls off.]

Maggie: So what are you doing around here?

Steve: You have a pink Stevemobile!

Pink-rahna Plant: You mean Maggiemobile.

[At the same time.]

Steve: So your name is Maggie?

Maggie: So your name is Steve?

Gunner: So mah nay ish stunneg!

Steve: Ugh! Put your jaw back on, Gunner!

[Steve zips over to Maggie.]

Maggie: [Giggle.] Don't get too close.

Steve: GASP! WAIT A SECOND! Only bad guys say that! Are you a bad guy?

Maggie: Nope.

Steve: Oh, good.

Gunner: [Putting back jaw.] Sorry about my sidekick Steve, he isn't that good with the ladies.

Maggie: I don't care. Now, let's go cruise the night.

Steve and Gunner: [At the same time.] OK!

[They all leave.]

Goombog: The distraction worked, sir.

Hal: Excellent. Now, take off your hat.

Goombog: Never!

Hal: There's no way to get out of here without squeezing you through the grate and having you open it from outside! We'll die!

Goombog: If I die with my hat, I haven't died in vain.

Hal: You realize that our evil plan won't be able to go on if we're dead, right?

Goombog: Ooooooh.

[Long pause.]

Goombog: Maybe I can try sawing through the bars with the jigsaw puzzle…

[Meanwhile]

Maggie: Follow me through this door, boys.

[Steve is following her, and Gunner is basically floating. They exit. Suddenly, they feel a prick at the back of their necks.]

Kanye West: Sup, guys?

[Not that kind of prick.]

Gunner: What the…?

Steve: I feel like I drank too much of that brown juice from a 21 and up-only party!

[They pass out.]

**Chapter IV: The Awakening**

[Later…]

Gunner: Groooan… [Opens his eyes.] Steve, wake up! That Maggie chick robbed us!

Steve: Meep! What did she take?

Gunner: My tranquilizer darts, pipe, and all our remaining smoke bombs.

Steve: How are we supposed to find her with only taco sauce and a grappling hook?

Gunner: Maybe she's just a femme fatale, and is working for Goombog as a distraction!

Steve: Why else would she be in the museum?

Gunner: Maybe Jeft sent her to spy on us because this is our first mission, and this is all a conspiracy!

Jeft: [In security room.] He's onto us.

Katey: You're not my real daddy! Where is he?

Jeft: Shut up and take your Zombrex.

[Throws syringe at her. It misses and she turns into a zombie.]

Katey: Braaaaaiiinnnssss…

Jeft: Ummm…

[THAT NEVER HAPPENED, OK? Ok.]

Steve: Little buddy, don't forget you're MY sidekick! Stop acting like you're the boss of me! You act like you're in charge and treat me like dirt! I may be naïve, but I won't let people push me around that easily! Now stop trash talking Jeft and help us find Maggie and Goombog before I take the taco sauce AND POUR IT DOWN YOUR THROAT, YOU MISCREANT!

Gunner: What did you just say?

Steve: I said that's probably not it, little buddy!

Gunner: But you were just screaming!

Steve: Nope! I've just been staring at this weird portal on the floor! Maybe you're just going crazy!

Gunner: [Sees portal.] Should we see where it leads?

Steve: Sure! WHEEEE-!

[Jumps in.]

[Gunner jumps in behind him.]

Steve:-EEEEEEEEE!

[They're in free-fall.]

Gunner: I wonder where this portal goes?

Steve: [Spinning around.] MAI-A-HEE! MAI-A-HOO! MAI-A-HAA! MAI-A-HA-HA!

Gunner: What are you doing?

Steve: Oh wait, that was supposed to be later!

[They land and make huge craters in the ground.]

[They get up and see they're in a lab.]

Steve: It's moist in here! And smelly! And I hear barking!

Gunner: Steve, we're in a LABORATORY, not a Labrador Retriever…

Steve: [His neck is going into a dog.] Spmmk fr yrsllf!

Gunner: Jeez, kid, get offa him!

[Pulls dog off Steve, then throws him back through the portal.]

Steve: How do you think this portal got here?

Gunner: No idea, but my plot-sensor tells me this is Goombog's lab.

Steve: That means he's here!

Gunner: This is kind of a crappy fanfic.

Steve: Agreed, little buddy!

[They randomly go through the lab. Look, let's just pretend this part never happened and use a convenient framing device.]

Gunner: Groooan… [Opens his eyes.] Steve, wake up! That Maggie chick robbed us! And made me have some pretty stupid dreams about labs!

Steve: Meep! I had the same dream! It's just like that movie with the going deeper!

Gunner: No, it's not.

Steve: Whatever!

[They go to the secret agency.]

Jeft: What's wrong? Did you catch them?

Steve: Sorry, but they jacked all our stuff and we have no idea where anyone is!

Jeft: Damn, I thought this might happen. OK, Steve, I've been saving this for after your mission, but this requires action. I present you with this…

[STEVE obtained a HELICOPTER ATTACHMENT! Baa naa naa NAAAAA! Equip with Z to be able to glide short distances!]

Steve: Cool, thanks!

Gunner: Gimmie that. Here, Steve. Let me just install that for you…

[Grabs it, straps it to his back, and jumps out the window.]

Gunner: SAYONARA, SENORITAS!

[Presses button. It fails to turn on. He crashes to ground.]

[Later.]

Gunner: Sorry about that. I thought I could have my own personal helicopter. Can you please forgive me, Steve?

Steve: Well, you DID betray me, but for a personal helicopter, I'd probably hold my own mother hostage!

Gunner: You have a mother?

Steve: Good point! It's probably hard to hold a cloning facility hostage!

Gunner: Yeah, I kno- wait, what? Eh, forget it; let's just go kick some Goombass!

Steve: Goombass?

Gunner: Yeah, you know, it's like a combination of "Goomba" and "ass" because we kick and they-

Jeft: Dude, that's actually kinda embarrassing. Just stop.

Gunner: Fine. Let's go.

[They leave the building.]

Gunner: OK, now, if I were an evil Goomba with a monocle and top hat, where would I hide a briefcase full of money that I got in exchange for orphan puree?

Steve: Hmmm… how about the daycare center across the street that we're too lazy to search any further than?

Gunner: Good thinking.

[They cross the street and fall into an open manhole.]

Gunner: This is asiniiiiiiiinnneeeee!

[They land in a lab. AGAIN. Look, did you really expect plot revelations worthy of an Oscar in a story about a flower with wheels?]

Goombog: What was that noise?

Steve: [Getting up.] Oh, hi guys!

Hal: We've been cornered! Why, oh why did we have to leave the manhole open?

Goombog: So we can leave with my top hat on.

Hal: How did we even get out of the museum?

[Flashback.]

Hal: We need to get out of this museum!

[Maggie comes back.]

Maggie: The distraction worked, I've got their stuff, I'll open the door for you, and while we're still tying up loose ends, Oswald killed Kennedy, and black holes are actually places where God yawned.

[Modern times.]

Goombog: I remember. Now, where did they go?

[Steve and Gunner are gone.]

Hal: They got the briefcase! After them!

Goombog: Actually… I'll stay back here.

Hal: What? Why? We need to go after them!

Goombog: Uhhh… this is actually sort of embarrassing but… I didn't think this through. I have no arms. I can't climb up the ladder.

Hal: Then how did Steve get out?

Goombog: Helicopter attachment.

Hal: Geez! Well, if you saw 'em escape, why didn't you tell me?

Goombog: You were too busy having that idiotic flashback.

**Chapter V: The Big Finale**

[Steve and Gunner are in Jeft's office.]

Steve: Jeft! Jeft! We've got the briefcase!

Jeft: Finally, we've got some hard evidence!

Gunner: Yeah! And Steve helped me out a bit!

Steve: Hey, Gunner, you know what? You're just an arrogant little bully! You take all the credit for the things I do, act like you're all high and mighty, and do nothing that I couldn't in half the time!

Gunner: What do you expect? I'm the intern.

[Windows burst and Hal and Goombog come in with awesome ninja ropes.]

Steve: Gasp!

Hal: Hello, Jeft.

Jeft: So… it is you… my old partner… Jeft!

Hal: Dude, half the reason I quit was because of your liberal use of dramatic pauses.

Jeft: Then what was the other half?

Hal: That bribe thing.

Jeft: Well, I'm sorry you don't accept a shipping container of yogurt as a retirement package!

(Sorry, I messed up 2 lines above and put "because of your crappy retirement package", until I remembered I already had a reason. But I didn't want to delete the joke, so instead I put this lengthy disclaimer. Anyway, back to testing!]

Goombog: Ahem! How are you, gentlemen? As you know, we have unsettled business. [Yanks briefcase over with cane. Don't ask how.] We shall not let such thievery go unpunished. As I speak, we have men surrounding the building and setting us up the Bob-ombs. All your base are now belong to us. As of now, you have exactly 298 seconds to make your time and futily try to escape. Goodbye!

[Hal and Goombog step onto a hovercraft and fly off.]

Gunner: Quick! Steve! Use the grappling hook!

[Steve tries to hook it, but he isn't Rico Rodriguez, so it just gets yanked out of his… not hands.]

Jeft: NOOOOOO! They're getting away!

Gunner: We have more than that to worry about! There's no way we can get out of the building in time!

Jeft: If we try to jump, the (secret)-story fall will surely kill us! And by "us", I mean "me"!

Gunner: I guess this is the end!

Steve: Oh, come on, you whiners! While you were doing your bitchin', I used my new badass personality to build a helicopter using the desk and my attachment! Unless you wanna be reduced to a pile of gibs, get on and let's go!

[They climb on.]

Jeft: I sure hope this works!

Steve: It will! You know we can't get killed off!

[He pushes the helicopter and jumps on. They fly away as the secret agency explodes.]

Steve: NOOOOO! There go all my filed tax returns! It took me TWO MONTHS ON QUICKBOOKS TO MAKE THOSE! TWO MONTHS!

Gunner: Whatever happened to your badass personality?

Steve: Oh, that only occurs during the solar eclipse that happens once a decade!

Jeft: When we get down from here and rebuild the secret agency, you're getting a promotion, Gunner! And from now on, it shall be called, "The Steve and Jeft Secret Intelligence Agency!'

Steve: Oh boy!

[They float off into the solar eclipse sunset. **The End!**]

**Epilogue**

[Goombase.]

Goombog: I have a feeling we didn't kill them.

Hal: Of course not! We just had to have an explosive finale to this otherwise action-lacking script, so we did that! If the main characters died, the show would be cancelled and we would be out of a job!

Goombog: How meta.

[Helicopter.]

Gunner: You know, I've been thinking. Since they destroyed the secret agency, didn't everyone inside just die?

Jeft: Don't worry, no one inside was plot-essential, so we're cool.

Steve: I'm gonna miss the receptionist…


End file.
